1. |
block
01:11
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|
i know i thought i'd moved on
but i'm still fighting my lungs
and now i feel like i'm dumb
like all of this should be done
i'm eyeing pills in the cabinet
call of the void
i dangle feet off the edge
i just want to be destroyed
i'm doing all of the things
i thought i hated
i tried smoking
and i thought it overrated
i'm drinking whisky
like i wasn't underage
and speeding twice the limit
screaming, "why am i so afraid"
i still get nervous when you leave me on read
i try not to
cuddling with lauren again
because i want to
it's not healthy
but it makes me feel okay
like the friends i have, and your friends
make the pain go away
i guess i'm feeling better,
yeah i got it on lock
but every night i check your story
my thumb hovers on block
because i'm just so fucking tired
of the feeling that i'm so left out
and so fucking alone
just let me block it right out
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2. |
why can't i
02:42
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it's strange
and i know it is
yeah, it's strange
well of course it is
it's strange
and i know it is
and it's strange,
stranger than all of this
cause if they can make the jump, then why can't i?
if they can make the jump, then why can't i?
if they can build the nerve to up and die
if they can make the jump, then why can't i?
well i thought
it was said and done
i never thought
the panic attacks were fun
holding hands
with unlikely residents
i can't stand
cause the blood left my limbs
i just want you to understand
when i get like that, it's hard to move hands
and i'm sorry that i never sit up straight
while i bawl my eyes out and hyperventilate
i told you
my head it works in loops
i get stuck
until it's through
i took meds
they didn't do much
i still feel
like i haven't been through much
cause if they can make the jump, then why can't i?
if they can make the jump, then why can't i?
the idea of it passes by the end of the hour
i guess it's just because i'm a fucking
coward
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3. |
i don't mind
02:37
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another sleepless night
went to bed at 8 am
no time for a shower
wear the same clothes yet again
panic while you text me
see the reflection in my phone screen
if i were to go missing
not a single person knows me
never show up early
i only show up late
i barely do my homework
dark circles cross my face
i'm a waste of oxygen
my stomach deserves to hurt
i don't deserve to sleep much
and i'm worth much less than dirt
but i don't mind
but i don't mind
crack some jokes bout suicide but
no one's really sure
is it a plea for laughter
or a plea for something more?
is everyone okay these days?
is everyone alright?
i'm checking cause i don't know
who'll make it through the night
i'll sit and write some songs again
as long as you don't mind
i don't know what i mean to you
but i hope you're doing fine
kick me to the wayside
i belong amongst the sand
and if you ever need me
i am here to lend a hand
but i don't mind
but i don't mind
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4. |
rule three
02:10
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|
well here we go again
so alone again
nothing has changed
and now we're barely friends
i guess i knew it'd end
everything goes away
so let me have my shame
and just forget my name
i know you never expected anything from me
but i feel i only just let you down when you see me
i'm not a really good person you should know that by now
my flaws are hard to look over but
it gets easier if you do nothing but sleep
and i think you should leave me out to freeze
in the winter cold
and you think you can cure me
but that's not gonna happen until we're both dead or old
i sleep to escape the parts of me that i hate so much
so fuck me cause it's never getting better
it's never getting better
so fuck it
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
whatever
what--
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5. |
college.age
04:19
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chin up
it's not as bad as you want it to be
"why me?"
chin up
you thought that you could fight it on your own
all alone
i know
this wasn't quite the way it's supposed to be
i know
you're worried but have some faith in me
it's not
a weakness to struggle when you breathe
it's not
a thing that can't be fixed with therapy
so all us college age kids
with the worn out kicks
threw away our first kiss
just to be like this
we didn't ask for these heads
or for any of this debt
i didn't ask for this
not for any of this shit
so i'll go back home
and i'll sleep alone
ignore calls to my phone
cause i can't stand your tone
maybe therapy will fix it all
or maybe and me and rain and snow
were made to fall
so what?
your bucket list remains mostly unchecked
i'll bet
so what?
you waste away your years with your regret
and you can't forget
all us college age kids
and you in the distance
you never did what they did
you never did what they did
college age kids
they fell in love in an instant
they never found where you hid
they never found where you hid
am i done?
is it over?
am i through?
am i spent?
will i cling
to this fading memory
for the rest of my life
because i peaked?
i guess it's done
i guess it's over
i lived through you
and there you went
and though it stings
it's like i need it
to be alive
and i feel so week
and it begs me to ask
but i can't touch my cellphone
and it begs to me cry out your name
and it begs me to ask
but i don't want to bother
did you really ever love me?
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6. |
better
03:33
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|
all i wanna do is get better, get better
all i wanna do is get better, get better
all i wanna do is get better, get better
all i wanna do is get better, get better
why's it so hard to think good thoughts?
cause it's so hard, but maybe it's not
is there something wrong with me?
just tell it to me straight
i hate myself already, so the truth ain't hard to take
it took a whole damn year to realize
that i might need some help
after weeks of thoughts of suicide
i got it by myself
it takes time, it takes time
that's the only thing that keeps me going
it takes time, it takes time
it takes time, it takes time
all these times, i read that mantra to myself
like a prayer
like all those times i cried alone
with no one there
cause no one ever stays awake
just like i do
it's self-destructive and self-defeating
what the hell else can i do?
i can sit down at pianos
play the 1-6-4 progression
over self-fulfilling lyrics
about anxiety and depression
nothing helps, nothing changes
it's just means to an end
if the end was razor blades
and i guess the means would be my skin
or maybe i'm just fucking faking it
like i always seem to do
cause people have it worse than me
and still manage to keep it cool
plaster smiles on their face
grit their teeth through all the pain
but no, of course i can't do that shit
so i mope around again
you told me it'd get better as the days will pass
well it's been a while now, so where am i at?
i'm fucking trying, please, i just want to get better
i just want to get better, please, i just want to get better
all i wanna do is get better, get better
all i wanna do is get better, get better
all i wanna do is get better, get better
all i wanna do is get better, get better
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7. |
how to be comfortable
04:21
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gotta get this off my mind
while i can cause if i don't
it will never come to light
and i'll never even know
who am i?
who am i?
who am i after all of this time?
who will i be?
tell me, who is me?
sam told me
you might feel weird not feeling scared
sam told me
you got used to it there
and i cried
cause i felt like i had to
alone in my room
on a wednesday afternoon
and where were you?
where was anyone else?
where were you?
were you doing it too?
the tightness in my chest
has gone away
but what's the point?
but what's the point?
let the cold air fill your lungs
feel the warmth around your skin
what was red has now turned grey
time to wake up once again
you don't sleep
you don't sleep like you used to
you don't sleep
you don't sleep
you feel fine on all accounts
you were blind but now are seeing
maybe what they said was right
you're a normal human being
i am me.
i am me.
i am me, just like i wanted to be
again
the end.
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